How to say "no" with love

Oh I struggle/struggled with this word. I was so bad at saying "No" that it literally wasn't until I was crawling on the ground telling my son to not cry so the man I was trying to avoid was banging on my door wouldn't know I was home that I realized I had a problem with boundaries. So I am by no means an expert on this subject however, I have learned a few things, applied them and my quality of life has improved.

Disclaimer: My punctuation is probably terrible so hopefully you can look past that while reading these blogs

Growing up I thought, "No." was a bad word, I thought it was meaaaaan, I thought if you told people "no" it meant you weren't compassionate. I was told, "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." and I really wanted to be nice so I opt'd out of saying "No" but that lead me down some roads I didn't want to go down...

There were so many times I didn't want to share, I didn't want to go somewhere, I didn't speak up, I didn't honor my needs, I didn't honor my body. There were so many times I put others needs before my own. I thought I was doing humanity a great service by sacrificing my needs to be what someone else needed, I thought that was the definition of compassion. I was pretty off about my understanding of compassion. Let me just clear something up real quick, I think it is amazing to help others and be what someone needs but not at the expense of your needs, your health, your intuition, your joy.

You are your priority! And if you aren't filled or at least have some "water in your cup" how can you even possibly fill someone else's cup.

I love this example...

"Put your oxygen mask on first and then assist people next to you if they need help"

That is self love right there! Because if you aren't taken care of first it could be extremely detrimental to your existence.

So... How do you say no with love?

It's mainly about tone, communication, vibration, intention...

Tone: Sometimes/most times people mirror our energy so if you yell and scream it's probably going to set a tone and trigger the other person to match your tone. Try "No, Thank you" in a smile and sweet tone first. If your situation calls for a stronger no try more communication...

Communication: Be brave and tell this person how they are crossing your boundaries and why it's not okay/making you feel and why it calls for a "no". This is where I really struggled because I kind of hate confrontation, I also grew up in a house where I was unable to voice how my boundaries were crossed because it was seen as "talking back". It calls for a lot of courage to tell someone that you don't deserve to be disrespected but it also immediately tells the other person and yourself that you love yourself to stick up for you and not get treated less than you deserve.

Vibration: Life is all energy, even Einstein said so. You emit a specific energetic vibration that other people receive (most times unconsciously). I'm not religious but I believe in the power of prayer and visualization. I believe in the law of attraction and that if you really focus on good things and do what you can to operate in a higher vibrational state, you'll attract better things or at least your perception of things will most often change and you can find the diamond in really rough situations. Sometimes when we're in a bad mood everything tends to seem like it's alllll crashing and burning verses being more positive things tend to seem like they are coming together. None of us are immune to the ebbs and flow of life though and making peace with that is key to enjoy life.

Intention: Why are you saying "No" is it to stick up for yourself? honor your needs? Answer a question? or because you can? Knowing your intention behind your words makes them just that much stronger.

Sending you the courage to say "no" more and setting beautiful boundaries.

-Aki